hahahah :]

Captivity

"Kathy looked me right in the eye. Then she took a breath, and never took another one. She sank to the bottom of the tank. Every breath a dolphin takes is a conscious effort, so they can decide not to take the next breath. That's what I mean by suicide"
- Ric O'Barry, a dolphin trainer turned dolphin activist, on the death of one of the dolphins he trained

I was reading an article on the papers about the plight of dolphins in captive as well as the terrible ways they are captured.

The idea of being snatched from your natural surroundings and forced to live in an unnatural place where conditions are much lesser than your prior state, often to the border of cruelty, is unbearable.

The article details how dolphins are captured; hordes driven into an inlet from the sea, healthy ones taken captive while the unlucky ones get clubbed to death. It also talks about lives of the captive dolphins, placed into concrete 'jails' to circle around the same enclosure, pandering to the screams of its audience. Most of dolphins in captivity live much shorter lives than their lucky counterparts out there in the ocean, many of which suffer from painful ulcers and even insanity from the extreme stress brought about by captivity.

I read a quote sometime back: "Humans are an extraordinary species, they are the only species who can experience empathy, so much so that such can even be felt for non-living objects."

The feeling that you often get when you see someone, or even animals, in plight, is a feeling we take for granted, but we don't realise that it's the very ability to do so that makes us human. Not our ability to fight, nor our ability to think of ingenious ways to destroy and annilhilate, but the ability to feel sadness or happiness for another, for us to experience the hurt and pain indirectly from the plight of others.

Connectivity

In the span of the past 2days, I didn't have the use of my handphone, which i had lost, exacerbated by how i was doing duty at camp as well, so i did not have any means to obtain substitute line as a replacement.

That 2days alone taught me alot.

For the initial hours upon losing my phone, i felt strangely distraught, as if i had been disconnected from world. It felt almost like a crime to be uncontactable by a by now, almost taken for granted mean.

The aftermath of which, other than an occasional hiccup of issues arising from being uncontactable, things actually felt good. I stopped having to reach into my pocket to check for my phone from time to time (there was nothing there in the first place). As my friend and I was driving out for lunch today, he remarked how the atmosphere in the car felt so peaceful: few had his number (he deferred for studies a year back and only came back recently to complete his service), while i lost my phone. Basically, we were unplugged for that duration of lunch we had outside camp. True that was. I felt, interestingly, carefree.

I read an article once about the advent of the likes of Blackberries and Iphones, leading to how society is becoming more pressured to ensure that it's individuals are perpetually contactable 24/7, and how it binds us and makes us dependent on this connectivity.

From this experience, i realised how dependent on my phone i was, the need to be connected has indeed been ingrained into my consciousness so much that i can feel a part of me missing with the loss of such a material object.

I guess it was good that such a mishap (?) happened, i came to realise and learnt several lessons which would not have occured if not for this.

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking 'round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that their goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

I keep bleeding love

You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

Journey de la nostalgie

On a particularly futile trip to and fro from my camp to the other camp on the other side of the island, the combination of the drowsy afternoon and the cold air bellowing from the airconditioning vents on the van, my thoughts somehow drifted to memories. Memories of digging through my bag for lecture notes at the lecture hall in junior college, of the sleepless night in japan I had before my concerto the next day, cutting english class halfway in secondary school by "going out to the locker to get stuff", my first big fight i had with a good friend from primary school (we made up, like how fights when we were young turn out).

It felt really satisfying, letting these experiences relieve themselves inside my mind.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." -unknown

and this, is how music unites.

Perceptions and expectations

Just came back from a run at a park near my house. It felt good, putting me into a state of pensiveness and all.

Borrowed my brother's bike to cycle to the park; i must say that the gentle slopes make cycling there absolutely fantastic. Freewheeling down the whole stretch of road, with the wind brushing against my face and body, felt amazing. The element of risk, abandon, unrestraint and of course, speed, just makes it so exhilarating.

Developed a stitch halfway through my 4km run and decided to stop and head to the exercise corner. It was painful (i think i drank too much water at home), nevertheless, the pounding of the feet against the asphalt road surrounding the lake for the first half of my run provided a backbeat for me to mull over issues ongoing in my head.

After a couple of routine exercises, I finished off my last set of sit ups, lying upon the tilted sit up ramps, staring upwards into the night sky.

It felt great.

-

I guess at some point of our lives we face many woes and issues. We face the judgemental onslaught of perceptions and expectations from everywhere around us, and more importantly from within ourselves.

Of the woes of every up and coming men and women into the society, woes brooded by many upon the onset of their twentieth birthday (or more), i guess it just came a little earlier for me.

-

Nevertheless.

today is a good night.

sealed by a ring
a ring of commitment,
a ring of love,

binding

she sits by the glass bowl
of fishes circling
round and round
and a heavy tapestry
that drapes,
surrounds,
and shrouds.

wondering

fences

i hate it when my parents quarrel.

Marketplace lessons

It's been awhile since i stepped into the market, what with busy schedules galore. Went to the market opposite my place to get some vegetables and condiments for the meat i've been wanting to season for quite awhile.

Maybe it's a weekend, as there suddenly seems to be an increase in the size of the male population there: be it toddler totting or tram pushing dads while the mums haggle over the prices of the vegetables, or (shock!) them alone choosing a slab of meat from the meat stall. But definitely, i guess it's a big step from the female dominated arena; a mishmash of gossip, shopping and socialising in this market (oh yes, and squeezing and pushing)

That saying, was choosing from a pile of onion bundles, and you know, you can never seem to get the best onions all in a bundle. Where there are good ones, there will always be the lousy anaemic ones.

I guess it's like life isnt it. It all comes in a set. Whatever decisions you make, there will always be the downsides to the upsides that you'll be getting. No you wont be able to take the bundle of onions back and request for a change, same for life. You just got to live with the decisions you make.

Weird as this analogy may seem, i found this trip to be particularly pensive and therapeutic indeed.

-

Alright, have a lower sec science class at noon to prepare for, so till then.

He came in walking on crutches. A young boy, thirteen at most, an amputee. His rounded face reflected minute crinkles and creases, a stain of spent emotions beyond his age and frame.

"Uncle, a plate of chicken rice, please."

His soft voice broke my train of thoughts.

I busied myself preparing the rice. What exactly happened to this boy, at so tender an age?

It was of course not uncommon to see people in crutches, or even wheelchairs, it was a hospital canteen afterall, the nonbedridden patients definitely preferred the food here over the gruel served in their wards.

"$2.80, boy, thank you"

Propping his trembling arms on his crutches, he slowly reached into his pocket for change. Then it happened.

His arms gave way, his body weight too much for his thin arms to bear. And he fell, crashing onto the floor.

My heart lurched, I wanted to run forward to help him up, but the design of the stall made it impossible for the vendors to move beyond their counter
As quickly as he fell, he hastily struggled to get up. It was no easy feat. Tears welled up in his eyes as he mumbled,

"It's okay, Daddy said I must do it myself. I don't need help. I don't need help."

Tears rolled down those round cheeks, in pain and in frustration.

His soft voice had taken on a rough, unnatural edge. It was the sound of a person who had fought many battles of hardship; a voice, from this tiny frame before me.

"Uncle, sorry... keeping you waiting, I... there, $2.80"

As he choked out those words, I caught his gaze.

They say that the eyes were the bridge to the soul. In his eyes, I saw sorrow and hurt, sadness and despair, loss. It showed me the anguish, the pain, the suffering and the toll it had taken on this young boy; a mere vestige of the life he was supposed to live.

The simple joys of tasting a sweet, the innocent pleasure of running free.

Unknown experiences.

As he limped away carrying his rice, I muttered a small prayer for the boy


-

A small stroke of inspiration on the train on the way to meet my brother and his friends for badminton the other day. I think i look like a right moron scribbling on my notebook then.

Tangerines and Kebabs

it's been awhile since i last blogged.

Life's been pretty much the same, save for a few rollercoaster rides up and down the rails of life.

A fortnights' worth of frantic last minute studying drew to a close yesterday morning after taking my SATs, hope i do get a good grade.

What followed was some great food and great company, ramen at ippudo at mandarin gallery, thor at cineleisure, a trip to cat socrates in the evening at bugis to chill, followed by moroccan cuisine sitting alfresco along muscat st.

The listing? Sometimes i just love the life i have, just hanging out with a small group of people, talking about everything under the sun, enjoying good food and just soaking in the vibe around us.

I saw this mail yesterday by a secondary classmate of mine, havent kept in contact with the majority of my graduating secondary class for a couple of years already. What was in the mail was simply an attempt to collate contacts of everybody in that class: including the universities everyone is studying in now and such, also to suggest a possible gathering via a small barbeque.

which really made me ponder, how we all tend to be so caught up in our lives, sometimes ending up neglecting the people who had at some point of our lives, crossed our paths and made a difference; not that we mean to, but we're just too busy.

For that, i really appreciate the efforts of those, far and few, who actually make an effort to organise such gatherings, and also those who reciprocate by trying their best to make the time for the people who we once saw so often, nearly almost everyday at some point of our lives.

as a close friend of mine said,

"it all boils down to each individual - whether they bother or not"

and on a sidenote, happy mother's day ♥

-

Someone once asked me "i wonder where all the money you saved went to"

my answer to that?

the joy of your own son/grandson treating you and your family to a meal, is all the answer i need.

i love you, Ma