Of meta-cognitions and poppihollas

(photo credits to the awesome photographer who took this shot)

Its been awhile since I last blogged. Havent really had the time to sit down and write a complete full length post. 

Just got out of another cyclical mood episode today. I tend to vacillate between high and low moods in random cycles, but most people don't really witness them, save for the closest people in my life. 

I was sitting at the food court having a plate of fish and chips just now, and I decided to take some time to just sit there and watch the tv at the food court. Now, this is really quite something because the last time I watched tv was probably a couple of years ago. Yes, the sitting down in front of the sofa and flipping between channel isn't really my kind of thing. The interesting bit is that the advertisements suddenly feel so packed with semiotics. There was an advert of the Brands' Essence of Chicken that depicts a man full of energy at work and off work, showing how Brands' Chicken Essence effectively banished the man's counterpart (tired and exhausted). There's this idea of dispelling the importance of downtime, which really is what society's all about today. Complete effectiveness, no moment lost, 24/7 on the ball. 

While I constantly strive to be as efficient as possible, I don't believe in being 24/7 efficient. Studies have already shown that downtime is extremely important for us. Downtime gives us the moment for quiet contemplation and appreciation for the things that have happened in life. Downtime gives our brain cognitive relief from the fast paced society that pushes us to our limits everyday. Blogging is my downtime. Walking over to the food court for a meal is my downtime. Strolling down the aisle of NTUC searching for nuts and oats is my downtime (yes, i have my moments of weirdness).

Now this gets a little weird in terms of phrasing but here goes. Thinking of these thoughts (yes, metacognition here), I really start to appreciate the value of my course of study in illuminating my life with a much in depth perspective. If I had chosen to study something else, I might not have been able to put those thoughts of watching the advertisements into words because I simply might not have the words for them. You know when you're young and you just felt weird about something but do not have the words to describe it; there are words now. 

Am suddenly extremely glad that I have made psychology and communications my course of study for the next few years. Hurray to introspection and analysis :)

Till then, then. 

PS: yes, i really am some kind of a nerd. But I don't see anything wrong with embracing knowledge. 

Self?

It has been awhile since I last penned down my thoughts. A lot of stuff has been overwhelming me since school started; I guess that left with me little time to really sit down and blog away. 

I've been recently reintroduced to introspect, something that I left behind amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life. I must say that rediscovering myself year after year (yes the mind is a quirky being, constantly changing in its decisions) have led me to have a more complete understanding of myself. 

I am a social creature, and I get tremendously upset when many things don't go well in social settings. It has almost become that I often tread carefully in social circumstances such that I try my best to make everybody happy in that social set, treading carefully to include everybody in a conversation, to diffuse potential tensions and to sustain material of interest in otherwise awkward situations. That has somehow set the stage for the underlying self-consciousness within me; constantly concerned of people's view of me, of how my actions may affect perceptions in different social contexts.

That being said, I also vacillate toward the other extreme. This side of me, few people do see. This is where I despise (maybe thats too strong a word) company, preferring to indulge in being alone and being left alone, for that matter. Increasingly, this side has been emerging as a pretty dominant aspect as I feel increasingly alienated from many things that are happening in my life right now. This just sometimes make me wonder, is it anything wrong, or is it just part of growing up?

That brings me to the point of this monologue on a space that has accompanied me through so many manifestations of myself. From teenage cheerful innocence, to the angst, and to the pre-college discoveries and aches, and to the insecurities of work and the satisfaction of teaching, and now onward to this.

Loneliness. Is this a simple and profound truth that speaks of us all, a unique paradox set against the backdrop of social creatures like us?

This notion stings of isolation, it stings of the realisation in the harsh superficiality of social interactions, it stings of the turbulent thoughts of the grand purpose of life.  

There are times where I don't want to be part of this. I want to immerse myself in a blanket of social interactions, superficial or not; to believe that I am happy. 

I don't know how this convoluted thoughts will make any sense when I read them again in the future, but it was just something that made me want to note them down. 

This is a poem by e.e.cummings that I was introduced to in secondary school. Somehow, amidst the naive happiness and turbulent angst of the teenage mind, this poem struck a chord with me till today.

l(a

l(a

le

af

fa

ll

s)

one

l

iness

-e.e.cummings