It has been awhile since I last penned down my thoughts. A lot of stuff has been overwhelming me since school started; I guess that left with me little time to really sit down and blog away.
I've been recently reintroduced to introspect, something that I left behind amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life. I must say that rediscovering myself year after year (yes the mind is a quirky being, constantly changing in its decisions) have led me to have a more complete understanding of myself.
I am a social creature, and I get tremendously upset when many things don't go well in social settings. It has almost become that I often tread carefully in social circumstances such that I try my best to make everybody happy in that social set, treading carefully to include everybody in a conversation, to diffuse potential tensions and to sustain material of interest in otherwise awkward situations. That has somehow set the stage for the underlying self-consciousness within me; constantly concerned of people's view of me, of how my actions may affect perceptions in different social contexts.
That being said, I also vacillate toward the other extreme. This side of me, few people do see. This is where I despise (maybe thats too strong a word) company, preferring to indulge in being alone and being left alone, for that matter. Increasingly, this side has been emerging as a pretty dominant aspect as I feel increasingly alienated from many things that are happening in my life right now. This just sometimes make me wonder, is it anything wrong, or is it just part of growing up?
That brings me to the point of this monologue on a space that has accompanied me through so many manifestations of myself. From teenage cheerful innocence, to the angst, and to the pre-college discoveries and aches, and to the insecurities of work and the satisfaction of teaching, and now onward to this.
Loneliness. Is this a simple and profound truth that speaks of us all, a unique paradox set against the backdrop of social creatures like us?
This notion stings of isolation, it stings of the realisation in the harsh superficiality of social interactions, it stings of the turbulent thoughts of the grand purpose of life.
There are times where I don't want to be part of this. I want to immerse myself in a blanket of social interactions, superficial or not; to believe that I am happy.
I don't know how this convoluted thoughts will make any sense when I read them again in the future, but it was just something that made me want to note them down.
This is a poem by e.e.cummings that I was introduced to in secondary school. Somehow, amidst the naive happiness and turbulent angst of the teenage mind, this poem struck a chord with me till today.
l(a
l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness
-e.e.cummings
