Of meta-cognitions and poppihollas

(photo credits to the awesome photographer who took this shot)

Its been awhile since I last blogged. Havent really had the time to sit down and write a complete full length post. 

Just got out of another cyclical mood episode today. I tend to vacillate between high and low moods in random cycles, but most people don't really witness them, save for the closest people in my life. 

I was sitting at the food court having a plate of fish and chips just now, and I decided to take some time to just sit there and watch the tv at the food court. Now, this is really quite something because the last time I watched tv was probably a couple of years ago. Yes, the sitting down in front of the sofa and flipping between channel isn't really my kind of thing. The interesting bit is that the advertisements suddenly feel so packed with semiotics. There was an advert of the Brands' Essence of Chicken that depicts a man full of energy at work and off work, showing how Brands' Chicken Essence effectively banished the man's counterpart (tired and exhausted). There's this idea of dispelling the importance of downtime, which really is what society's all about today. Complete effectiveness, no moment lost, 24/7 on the ball. 

While I constantly strive to be as efficient as possible, I don't believe in being 24/7 efficient. Studies have already shown that downtime is extremely important for us. Downtime gives us the moment for quiet contemplation and appreciation for the things that have happened in life. Downtime gives our brain cognitive relief from the fast paced society that pushes us to our limits everyday. Blogging is my downtime. Walking over to the food court for a meal is my downtime. Strolling down the aisle of NTUC searching for nuts and oats is my downtime (yes, i have my moments of weirdness).

Now this gets a little weird in terms of phrasing but here goes. Thinking of these thoughts (yes, metacognition here), I really start to appreciate the value of my course of study in illuminating my life with a much in depth perspective. If I had chosen to study something else, I might not have been able to put those thoughts of watching the advertisements into words because I simply might not have the words for them. You know when you're young and you just felt weird about something but do not have the words to describe it; there are words now. 

Am suddenly extremely glad that I have made psychology and communications my course of study for the next few years. Hurray to introspection and analysis :)

Till then, then. 

PS: yes, i really am some kind of a nerd. But I don't see anything wrong with embracing knowledge. 

The 'Mr' Title

The last time i said it's been ages since i blogged here, was last september, 2 posts down.

A new year has since arrived, and I have finished my tenure in serving the nation.

While many of my friends have taken on internships in hope of getting a headstart to the rat race into university, or taken on 9-5 jobs in all forms; waitering, administrative, data entry, i embarked in greater intensity on a job that i have actually been doing for quite awhile.

Teaching.

The sudden influx of some many students placed respectively under my care for specific subjects/areas are indeed overwhelming at times.

If i were to place a rough estimate of how many students I am now responsible for, a little over 60 would be a good estimate.

And with that comes with so many teaching pedagogies that i am suddenly being exposed to. (Not that i am complaining, i have an incredible boss and workmates that share alot of methods in teaching different students and subjects) Coupled with methods that i am quickly learning along the way, my learning curve has never been greater.

There are so many intricacies in dealing with students of all ages, of classroom management, from dealing with the rowdy ones to those who absolutely clam up throughout the lesson.

I now work most weekday nights and a pretty huge chunk of my weekends, since that's when most of my students are free from the backbreaking load of school. Reaching home mostly after 11, bleary-eyed and exhausted from hours of lessons, the resolve sometime wavers.

The amount of work is tremendous. Unlike a 9-5 admin job, where work is typically confined to the office, i usually arrive hours before my actual lesson timings to work out lesson plans and mark their work, likewise for my private students (i prepare their stuff at home). My peers often tell me i have it good; hourly rates of teaching are comparatively very lucrative and financially rewarding. I used to believe it, but now i truly understand the refrain my teachers have told me from time to time; we earn peanuts. Teachers do earn peanuts, for the amount of work they do.

Nevertheless, teaching is ultimately rewarding. The satisfaction from seeing your students grasp a concept, breaking through the wall of a struggling student in understanding a subject, of watching your student grow in the process; it absolutely sweeps away all prior thoughts of the monetary worth (lack of) in teaching.

Just a couple of days ago, i have had a student coming up to me after class asking me questions regarding his homework that his school had set him. After explaining the concepts behind each question, he said thank you and left. While it may not seem much, the words of gratitude he said, as well as watching how comprehension dawned upon him as i explained the question is so immensely satisfying.

The idea of being given the opportunity to empower and positively impact somebody is truly, amazingly fulfilling and exhilarating.

Every lesson is a new challenge, a challenge that I am undertaking more times my fingers on my hands can count in a week, and I truly love every second of it.

I may not end up teaching full time in the future, but I can honestly say that it is definitely a defining moment of my life.

This past few weeks, I have also came to realise a problem that many students face today. Many students are sent for tuition by their parents, few of their own accord. Some might understand the need for it, but some may not.

And then you have students in academically weaker streams. Teaching some of them, i realise that alot of them are definitely in no way lacking in terms of mental ability and thinking capacity to their peers from academically better streams.

The point is, many of them just may not value the importance of education, of how they can help you in securing a better future, enough to work harder for it. This is not to say of course, that a lack of education condemns you to the dregs of society, education provides you with a better opportunity to succeed in leading a fulfilling life.

There will be the detractors, but one cannot deny that education is beneficial in so many ways.

If one day i were to give up teaching altogether, it will be if i have failed to make even one student come to realise this: that when you're going to school, you're not studying for anybody, you're studying for yourself, and your own future. And if that ever happens, i would have failed as a teacher, cause i believe that that is the most important value that teachers can impart to their students, not the subjects in they teach, but of the value and importance of education.

-

If you're wondering what the photo at the top is, it was a picture taken a couple of years back, in my chemistry class in school (in question, the biggest face in the picture was actually a pose, he wasnt sleeping...). So funny how time flies, one moment i'm sitting there furiously absorbing all i can (most of the time, other times were spent in stupor) from the teacher, the next moment i am the one standing at the whiteboard, hoping to impart something mindblowing that will give my students their As.

grossly overplayed but very poignant lyrics.


I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And your
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true
I guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Oh friend
Why you so shy
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it
I hoped you'd see my face and be reminded
That for me
It isn't over

Nevermind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
For you too
Don't forget me
I beg
I'll remember you still
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and bred
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it
I hoped you'd see my face and be reminded
That for me
It isn't over

Nevermind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
For you too
Don't forget me
I beg
I'll remember you still
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
And memories made
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste

Nevermind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
For you too
Don't forget me
I beg
I'll remember you still
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Nevermind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
For you too
Don't forget me
I beg
I'll remember you still
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Free Spirits

The picture was taken in Prague by my bro, who is on a 42day backpacking trip around Europe. Envious? Definitely. The idea of wandering into the unknown, albeit armed with a giant book of 'lonely planet' europe, is simply one thing that is commonly exhilarating to both my bro and me. He completed a 21 day asia last year and is doing the double now.

Something i will do? Absolutely. He told me that this trip would probably set him back about SGD5000, i guess i'd better start setting aside a bit of my savings for this now.

I guess the allure of backpacking alone that draws us so much stems from how we were brought up. I wouldnt say i hated how i was brought up, it made me who i am today, but we had quite abit of restrictions in the past. Therefore, the idea of foraying out there really entices us. While many might say that the amount of control that my parents exerted over us might have led us to lose that sense of individuality or actually come to feel sheltered; I feel it has somehow worked the opposite, my brother and I simply jump at the opportunity to leap out into murky waters; it helped us develop as individuals not afraid, yearning instead, to explore this world out there.

Had a very leisurely afternoon today at home, a respite after the constant rushing around for the past 3weeks, in fact, i only woke up just awhile ago, sleep has never been so satisfying as when you're tired. I only discovered this morning that i had been living on 5 hours of sleep for the past 3 weeks, was really running on reserved juice for the past week. I guess that explains the headache i felt after only downing a pint of erdinger yesterday with my friends.

In retrospect, the title for this post seems kind of apt, what being the 7th month in the Chinese Calendar after all (where the Hungry Ghost festival takes place), and a tribute to the free spirits out there, those who yearn to step out from shelter, those who long for that tingling feeling of excitement that comes from the unknown.

On a sidenote, i feel like continuing where i left off for classical piano, it's been awhile.

Moving forward

I don't blog often nowadays. I guess the allure of penning down thoughts onto an online page loses its appeal after awhile as you grow old. But I guess what brings bloggers back to their old dusty blogs to leave a post or whatsoever is those fleeting moments where the allure pushes through the dusty hinges of our memory to remind us of the times we used to blog incessantly about our daily lives (i do admit i was victim to this during my early blogging years.)

I have just hit the big 2 just a few days ago an important milestone i would say, but i'm sure many would beg to differ, seeing how the age of 21 remains the most celebrated among our generation today. While most of my birthdays are marked by the year i had lived through, what with the experiences and such, i would say that it was the day itself on my 20th that made its milestone.

While i didnt exactly skydive or bungee jump that day, (my 2 respective dreams by the way), it was a rather spiritual or emotional one i must say. Don't get me wrong, religious would be the last thing my friends would say of me if asked. When i speak of spirit, i speak of the living entity within our bodies that is us.

A friend once told me that when you hit 20, you start thinking of your life, your career, and your future; it all starts setting into stone, the path you are about to make in your life. To me it represented more, it represented a different view in perspectives, in ideals, in leading life in view of all that hits you when you turn 20. "pah you don't know what you're talking about" my older readers might be thinking now, but i guess, thats what being 20 is, old enough to realise the increasing gravities of life. yet young enough to hopefully posess that childish innocence to pull through this increasingly complicated times.

My life is complicated, i'm sure many of your lives are too, in our own special way, but for that day, my thoughts were crystal clear, and that's what made the difference.

-

To many happy birthdays ahead, to all of you.

Take Flight.

A good rest coming up; 1 week off from work after rushing around doing parades into the weekends for the past 2 weeks. :)

Been reading a book "Against Happiness" Eric G Wilson. It's basically about how we should relish the times we get down instead of always forcing ourselves to be happy and dandy all the time for "it is the blues that make us human". It's not an easy book to digest; sentences leaving me pondering for durations. Take this for example:

"Experience - a sorrowful sense of the tragic nature of the world, a departure from the bliss of innocence"

The thought of it is compelling, and especially chilling at the same time.

Went for supper after rehearsal for an upcoming event involving chorale and orchestra. Awesome company, had alot of very interesting insights about life's paths, work, education in general. One thing really struck me when we were talking about how people say we're too young expose yourself to the harsh realities of the world at certain ages. Just like how most parents would discourage their schooling children who wants to work. And here's what my friend said to that.

"King Tut ruled Eygpt at the age of 14; Alexandra the Great was probably around 19 when he went about on his great conquests, I guess that says alot yeah."

You're just never too young to learn life's lessons yeah.

Listen to your heart

Sorry for the lack of updates guys, things have been so busy lately i havent even have time to finish uploading the photos of my trip to korea online.

With all the parades, rehearsals, preparation for the masterclass, hardly have time for myself or just chilling out with friends.

Speaking of which, the timpani masterclass i had with Mr Paul Philbert was really beneficial. The focus was pretty much on the stylistic and emotional aspect of playing certain pieces. Some of the stuff he said really resonated alot within me.

"As a performer, you perform. and you give it all you've got; and that applies to life as well, you don't just try, cause to try is to fail with dignity, with excuses"

I would say that this masterclass was an extremely fulfilling one at that, unconventional, but rather effective at that. Thank you, Mr Philbert.

With the new batch, my mirror batch, entering my band, I feel kind of old. A year has passed since i entered my individual unit's separate bands; from the name at the bottom of the nominal roll to practically the topmost, a rise in seniority. Many things have happened throughout the course of my service, i have made great friends, learnt important lessons and had great experiences, and the juniors will come to feel the same. Time does seem to fly by so fast especially in retrospect.

2 sets of tuition class later on, have recently taken up a new student, teaching him chemistry. He's remarkably quiet, giving me one word replies every so often (if he even gives me a reply at all) I really look forward to the day he aces his exams :)


As for the video above, that's real music guys, real music.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking 'round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that their goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

I keep bleeding love

You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

Journey de la nostalgie

On a particularly futile trip to and fro from my camp to the other camp on the other side of the island, the combination of the drowsy afternoon and the cold air bellowing from the airconditioning vents on the van, my thoughts somehow drifted to memories. Memories of digging through my bag for lecture notes at the lecture hall in junior college, of the sleepless night in japan I had before my concerto the next day, cutting english class halfway in secondary school by "going out to the locker to get stuff", my first big fight i had with a good friend from primary school (we made up, like how fights when we were young turn out).

It felt really satisfying, letting these experiences relieve themselves inside my mind.

Perceptions and expectations

Just came back from a run at a park near my house. It felt good, putting me into a state of pensiveness and all.

Borrowed my brother's bike to cycle to the park; i must say that the gentle slopes make cycling there absolutely fantastic. Freewheeling down the whole stretch of road, with the wind brushing against my face and body, felt amazing. The element of risk, abandon, unrestraint and of course, speed, just makes it so exhilarating.

Developed a stitch halfway through my 4km run and decided to stop and head to the exercise corner. It was painful (i think i drank too much water at home), nevertheless, the pounding of the feet against the asphalt road surrounding the lake for the first half of my run provided a backbeat for me to mull over issues ongoing in my head.

After a couple of routine exercises, I finished off my last set of sit ups, lying upon the tilted sit up ramps, staring upwards into the night sky.

It felt great.

-

I guess at some point of our lives we face many woes and issues. We face the judgemental onslaught of perceptions and expectations from everywhere around us, and more importantly from within ourselves.

Of the woes of every up and coming men and women into the society, woes brooded by many upon the onset of their twentieth birthday (or more), i guess it just came a little earlier for me.

-

Nevertheless.

today is a good night.